Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

- Season 6

(2006)

Janet seriously considers taking the cruise-ship job and Jonny is keen to accompany her as he wants to be a pirate, but when Janet learns that the job is little more than being a stripper, they decide to stay at home. Gaz's father puts his garage up for sale and Donna buys it with the remains of the money from the house sale so that Gaz will still be working. Louise goes to visit her mother in hospital and learns that she was adopted.

Passed over for promotion at work in favor of a man, Donna feels she is the victim of sexism and steals a van to prove she is as good a driver as any male--but crashes it and gets fired. Janet decides to work from home making squeaky goblin toys for children, but they are so ugly that Jonny believes that they are possessed and wants them out, so she gets Gaz to store them in the garage. Louise gets a letter from her real mother and is delighted to learn she is from a wealthy part of Runcorn.

Donna starts work at the garage with Gaz, but they spend more time having sex than working until she assumes the persona of a man, calling herself Don, to attract more work. Janet gets a job on a phone-sex chatline but is so bad at it that the punters keep hanging up on her. Louise gets to meet her parents but is convinced that the man is not her real father because he is ginger.

Gaz gets down on one knee to propose to Donna, who initially declines, then changes her mind. However, when she learns that Gaz is planning a wedding ceremony in the Archer, she refuses again. Having accidentally walked out of a baby-clothes store without paying, Janet develops a taste for shoplifting as she is hard up for cash; a shocked Jonny decides that he will knit Corinthian's clothes, but the result is a mess. Louise at last meets her real father Brian, but the reunion is short-lived: he is an alcoholic who touches her for money; he's also gay and throws ...

Gaz wants to have a baby with Donna, partly so that he can marry her. She agrees to try for one but takes the morning-after pill directly afterwards. Jonny, angry that Brian thought he was gay, decides to adopt a macho attitude but ends up nearly hitting Janet, so he reverts to being calm and serene and rescuing his wife from an alky at the pub where Louise, believing that she is an alcoholic, has decided to hold an AA meeting. But Gaz confronts him, claiming that he is Corinthian's true father and he wants to take him.

Janet is left stunned after Gaz's shock attempt to take Corinthian, but Jonny has other things on his mind and decides to become a farmer to feed his family. Feeling unsafe after Kelly points a gun at her, Louise moves in with Janet and Jonny. Desperate for kids, Gaz visits the local sperm bank to "open an account," hoping that one day his children will find him--and because masturbating for money is his dream job. Janet goes overboard with security, which leads Donna to take her out; she tells her that Gaz won't come back and that the most likely person to steal her ...

The job of manager of the Archer has become vacant and Donna, to prove she is as good as a man, and Janet, to impress Jonny, both apply; Janet is chosen. Louise has been promised a legacy by her mother, who is unwell--possibly fatally--but Louise jumps the gun by taking the money to buy a car, which gets stolen. Jonny comes to believe that Corinthian is Gaz's son because he has the same unpleasant traits. But then news comes from the sperm bank: Gaz's sperm count is so low he could not possibly be the father. The victory goes to Jonny.

Janet turns the Archer into a World War Two theme pub, but Donna, annoyed to have been pipped at the post, poses as a health inspector, finding fault to shut down the pub. Louise turns to prostitution to repay the money for the car while Jonny tries to make up with Gaz by buying him a dog on which to try out his parenting skills; unfortunately, Gaz kills it. Janet discovers that Donna is not a health inspector after all and filthies up the pub in revenge, but then a real one shows up and orders the Archer's closure.

Still musing on his sexuality after discovering that he liked Brian, Jonny ends up snogging a man--but it's elderly customer Arthur, which isn't a fair barometer. After a visit from her disruptive younger brother Dion, Donna proposes to Gaz and he accepts. Janet and Kelly, determined to keep the Archer going, stage a sit-in and are joined by other regulars, but then a man from the brewery arrives and points out that it's a death trap, so it is closed down.

A report appears in the local paper stating that anybody trying to enter the Archer, which is subject to a curse, will be killed by the thing they love most. After Kelly mysteriously disappears and is suffocated by bags of crisps, the others break into the pub, where Donna is cut in two by a glass ceiling after killing Gaz, and Louise kills herself. Jonny is consumed by a giant Jammy Dodger biscuit, and when Janet awakens from the nightmare, she finds that the biscuit has replace Jonny in the bed next to her.