Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

- Season 5

(2005)

Flo is killed in a road accident, but at the funeral, Janet is feeling randy and Gaz is unable to satisfy her, so until he recovers she takes comfort with a cut-out of the Chuckle Brothers. Jonny becomes a local celebrity after surviving his shoot-out with the police, though he and Janet miss the planned television interview with him outside the Archer for "North West Today." When Louise is arrested for causing the situation, Janet changes her mind about bailing her out, leaving her in police custody.

As Munch gets jiggy with the Archer's new barmaid Kelly, Donna and Gaz move into Flo's old house, which Donna has inherited on the proviso that Donna does not look into the cupboard under the stairs. Hearing noises, Gaz is convinced that the house is haunted by Flo's ghost, but the stairs collapse when he opens the door, so he and Donna must move back to their flat. Louise sees a psychiatrist called Dr. Yark and tells him that her actions were probably caused by a sub-conscious effort to protect him from learning about Janet and Gaz. She is released and goes round to ...

Janet discovers that she's pregnant, and she and Jonny decide to get married and start planning. Gaz kisses Louise as a means of blackmailing her into not divulging that he slept with Janet. After Louise counsels Donna about her relationship with her mother, Donna decides to sell Flo's house and use the proceeds to go on a hiking tour of Ecuador with Gaz.

Jonny buys a car which he calls Herbie and gets Gaz to give him driving lessons. Louise asks Jonny to publicly forgive her for causing the shoot-out so that it will improve her chances in court, but when he refuses and gives her new dress to a charity shop, she has the car crushed. Gaz is not keen to go to Ecuador and does not want Donna to leave him, so he hides her passport. When Janet gives the passport back to her, Donna suspects that she has an ulterior motive for her wanting to go, so she decides to stay instead.

After Gaz confesses about himself and Janet, Donna leaves him and resists Janet's attempts to make up with her. After a disastrous date with Munch, Kelly decides to set her sights on the newly-single Gaz and dresses and acts like Donna to impress him. Jonny is barred from the local off-licence for selling alcohol to underage kids, so he gets Louise to buy the drinks in his stead. However, she is refused service as the shop-keeper thinks that she too is underage, and Jonny's customers are not happy.

Donna and Janet have made up and are all for a quiet hen night/baby shower, but Louise, in court the next day, ensures that quiet it is not. Despite most of Runcorn seemingly aware of his night with Janet, Gaz still invites a load of total strangers to Jonny's stag party who are not in the know. The evening starts badly when Jonny and Gaz get left behind by the mini-bus but ends in style with a stripper--who also knows about Gaz's fling with Janet.

Louise goes to court, argues with the magistrate, and is giving community service: supervising teenage girls. Janet and Johnny wake up in their wedding clothes in the back of a truck containing dressed crabs. Fearful that their marriage is fated to never take place, Janet confesses to Jonny about her night with Gaz, but he laughs it off. Donna and Gaz decide to form an alliance which will save the day, posing as Janet and Jonny at the registry office so that they will have a proper marriage certificate.

Six months have elapsed since the wedding and Janet is heavily pregnant, but she has let the place become a tip, so Louise brings her community-service girls round to tidy it up--but all they do is sit around smoking and chatting to Janet. After they leave, Janet realizes that she has no desire to be like them and cleans up. Donna is working in a bucket factory and can get promotion if she sells 4,000 buckets. Jonny also has a job--as potman at the Archer--but it only lasts one day. Gaz, pining after Donna leaves him again, has been comfort-eating and is seriously ...

Janet's pregnancy is making her forgetful, so Louise enters her in the Archer's pub quiz to sharpen her memory. It's compered by Kelly, who makes snide comments about Janet's night with Gaz. Gaz has lost weight and recovered his former physique. He is a hit with the ladies at the ante-natal classes, to which he accompanies Jonny because Janet is too preoccupied with the pub quiz. At the class, Gaz's parenting skills on toy monkey Cuddles are impressive; in fact, he reunites with Donna, inspiring her to also embark on a fitness regime.

Donna and Gaz wind each other up by pretending to have other, superior sex partners, which results in Gaz storming out and being run over by the ambulance taking Janet to the hospital: her water has broken. There is yet another reconciliation as Donna and Gaz get it on in his hospital bed. However Gaz is concussed after the accident and tells Jonny that he is the baby's father. Jonny is about to confront Janet but all is forgiven when he learns that she has given birth to a son: Corinthian McVitie Keogh.

Jonny feels that Janet has become too obsessed with baby Corinthian, so he starts acting like a baby himself, in an unsuccessful attempt to gain his wife's attention. The couple are short of money and Gaz is keen to give them a loan, since Donna is bringing in a good wage at the bucket factory. But Donna is unwilling; she resents that Janet slept with Gaz. Louise is desperate for a boyfriend to make herself more interesting and tries to pinch a man from Kelly.

Janet is planning her baby's christening, and now that the two couples have made up and are friends again, she asks Donna and Gaz to be Corinthian's godparents. However, Louise has a religious experience in which she sees God and believes that she should be the baby's godmother, causing Janet to postpone the christening and Louise to take drastic action.

Janet is suffering from post-natal depression, but Jonny sees his dream job--working in a biscuit factory--advertised in the paper and applies for an interview. Donna decides that the flat is in such a bad state that she and Gaz should move into a house, but the first one they go to view has a sheep in the garden and Gaz must admit to a phobia of sheep. Louise, feeling as unlucky in love as ever, begins a 'relationship' with her phone, but then she meets Mick, stylist to the stars of the "Hollyoaks" soap opera.

Louise is anxious to show off her sexy new boyfriend, but her squeaky voice and odd ways are already getting on his nerves. Gaz decides to overcome his fear of sheep and move into the house after he must rescue Donna from a flock in the garden. While Jonny goes for his interview at the biscuit factory, convinced that the job is his, Janet also gets an offer: as a singer on a cruise ship. Which means sailing for Mauritius the next day.