Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

- Season 3

(2003)

Gaz is shocked when a lad called Munch arrives at the garage where he works, claiming to be his half-brother. Initially lukewarm, Gaz starts to like Munch when he finds that he has a great porn collection. Jonny proposes to Janet, but she wants him to find work in order to buy a proper engagement ring. He is spectacularly unsuccessful, so Janet proposes instead, with a ring made of tinfoil. Louise now takes up with Andy, who takes her to a smart restaurant--but runs off, leaving her to pay the bill.

Jonny urges Janet to give up smoking; unfortunately, she becomes very violent, so Jonny gives up and lets her start puffing again. Louise receives a Valentine's card that turns out to be from David Fish, whom she remembers as a spotty schoolmate, but after 8 years in Australia, he has returned as something of a catch. Donna and Gaz decide to spice up their sex life, but Donna is appalled after finding Gaz experimenting with whipped cream and bondage and runs out of the flat, leaving him handcuffed to the bed.

A reluctant Jonny puts his hand down Gaz's little briefs to get the key to release him from his bondage. Donna, however, is still keen on the idea of kinky sex and dresses as a dominatrix but is embarrassed when Gaz comes in with Munch while she is going through her paces. At Janet's request, Jonny agrees to ask her father Peter for permission to marry her. Counseled by Janet, Louise agrees to be more mature in order to keep David.

Louise and Donna fall out when it transpires that Donna also went out with David Fish. Pete refuses to agree to Janet getting married to Jonny, so they decide to have a cut-price registry service. Janet gets a second-hand wedding dress but the previous owner was rather bigger than she and it needs to be taken in.

Jonny finally blackmails Pete into agreeing to the wedding after he discovers that he is having sex with Flo, but when Janet asks about the change of heart, Jonny tells her that has discovered that Pete is a secret transvestite. Donna and Louise make up their differences and act as Janet's bridesmaids, but Gaz is rushed to hospital after Munch finds him unconscious in the garage. People assume that it was a suicide bid but he was really just dead drunk.

The three girls go shopping for wedding dresses, financed by Pete. Janet wants to look radiant and chooses ugly dresses for the bridesmaids; they attempt to destroy them, which lands Janet with a bill for damages. However, Louise has a cunning plan which allows Janet to have the dress she wants at a knock-down price. Meanwhile, Jonny and Gaz steal a barrel of beer from outside the Archer but find that it only contains soapy water.

Donna and Gaz find their peace disturbed by noisy neighbours who repeatedly play Dana records. Jonny agrees to get a job at a D.I.Y. store but is forced to quit after his female superiors sexually harass him. Louise decides to dress and act like a child to stop her from getting old, and David has a sensible talk with her.

As they finally get round to sex after weeks of celibacy, Louise is rather overwhelmed to find that David goes like a train though he confesses that he is only giving her what he thinks she wants. Janet and Jonny start to worry over the fact that they rarely argue and Gaz suggests to Donna she has more nights out with the girls, so she she just goes out and stays outside the flat to fool him.

Janet prepares her list of wedding presents, some of which are very expensive, so Jonny takes Donna to the local dump to find cheaper substitutes--mostly trash. However they do find a valuable collectors' item: a programme from the 1950 Cup Final; but Gaz burns it in disgust because Liverpool lost, thus throwing away the chance to make a lot of money.

David gives Louise a plant to nurture as a love test, but she feels patronised and takes it the wrong way. Donna and Gaz also row after he accuses her of giving him sexual warts--which turn out to be piles. Donna and David, both feeling dejected, meet and talk. Feeling that Jonny no longer loves her, Janet packs her bags and leaves him.