On the Buses

- Season 5

(1971)

As an aid to married conductresses with small children, the bus company opens a creche,run by a formidable elderly nurse. Stan suggests that Olive would be suitable as the nurse's assistant,though Olive is not especially competent and when she breaks her glasses then Stan and Jack have to look after the babies for her.

Despite being a full-grown man Stan still has to try and smuggle women into his room behind the backs of his disapproving Mum and sneaking Arthur so he rents a room at Blakey's house. Unfortunately Blakey is just as strict when Stan tries to sneak a girlfriend into his room and, when Mum gets ill, Stan decides he is no better off with Blakey and returns home.

Stan is to be the best man when his friend Bill marries Sally, Blakey's niece. However Stan and Jack get as drunk as Bill on the stag night and wake up the whole house trying to perfect a cure for hang-overs. Stan puts the ring on his finger to ensure it does not get lost but ends up by swallowing it and the bride has to borrow a ring from Olive while Blakey suggests Stan stops off at casualty on his way to the reception.

Blakey is taking his mother to Brighton so the Butlers agree to look after his tank of tropical fish and his pedigree dachshund bitch Mitzi.The tank gets broken but Stan replaces it with one made from the bus windscreen and the fish are safe so Blakey does not notice the difference. However,Arthur has let Mitzi play with the pub's - male - Dalmatian and she has put on weight by the time Blakey reclaims her.

There is a massive epidemic of the flu and many of the bus crews are down with it,which is good news for Stan and Jack as they are making a lot of money out of over-time. Stan has to be careful because the flu has now hit the Butler household and, whilst his new found wealth allows him to treat a young lady to a night on the town,it is not long before he too succumbs to the virus.

It's the annual bus crew's ball and,to Blakey's displeasure, Stan and Jack have booked a stripper they saw at a local pub. Furthermore the man in whose lap her panties land gets to take them backstage to return to her. Olive's dress needs altering which involves trying to smuggle a tailor's dummy on the bus but eventually she and the rest of the family go to the dance. Poor Olive gets some unwanted attention when the panties land in her lap and a load of men rush her but Stan manages to pocket them and go backstage for his reward.

Canteen manageress Suzy seems to be favoring Jack and Stan over Blakey and giving them considerably larger portions of food than him so he gets rid of her and replaces her with the austere ex-prison officer Gladys. But she too has needs and when Stan tries to charm her in order to get extra food he discovers exactly what they are. Eventually Blakey gets rid of her too and installs a vending machine.

Mary, the rather prim and proper new nurse at the depot,is in need of lodgings and Stan's Mum offers her the front room. Arthur is immediately taken by her refinement and her taste in art house films and, to the amazement of the household and dismay of Olive, takes her out. Mary, however, is not into dating married men and does the decent thing, dropping Arthur and moving out of the house.

When Blakey insists forms are filled in for all lost property found on the buses Jack and Stan 'find'a truss, a pair of panties and a chamber pot to embarrass him. Then Stan finds an envelope as he is about to knock off and takes it home. Blakey rings to say it contains a diamond,which gets lost and turns up in Olive's corn plaster. Stan is grateful that Blakey kept his name out of things for taking the envelope home until he learns that Blakey claimed the reward for finding the diamond.

Stan gets his uniform dirty unblocking the sink and, though he should really pay twenty-four pounds for a new one,Jack persuades Blakey to let him have one for free. Unfortunately this gets covered in paint and when an extra strong cleaning fluid is applied to it it rips it to shreds. Stan makes do with an old one from a recently retired driver to be told by Blakey that he knew Stan would mess up the new uniform as soon as he got it.

Stan wrenches his back and the doctor suggests he wear a corset. He is not helped by hearing Blakey say that wearing a corset ruined his brother's life and has to be helped into the cab. His girl-friend Doreen helps him off with the corset but he falls down and injures his back again. As she helps him upstairs he muses on the irony of being put to bed by a woman when he is incapable of capitalizing on it.

Stan makes a down payment on a new colour television set but,since the old black and white one is clapped out,he fears he will get very little money for it. The solution - sell it to Blakey. Whilst Blakey is watching the set in his office there is an explosion,injuring him. Stan is sure the set has blown up and so he spends the rest of his Christmas money on a colour set for Blakey. All the family gather at Blakey's bedside - not so much to wish him to get well as to watch the colour set.

A vacancy comes up for an inspector and Blakey puts Jack's name forward. Stan feels betrayed until Jack points out to him that he will arrange for Stan to have limitless over-time as well as pairing him with nubile conductress Christine. The reality is very different, however, as the power goes to Jack's head and he informs on Stan to Blakey and Stan is mightily relieved when Jack is eventually demoted.

Whilst Stan earns extra money by cleaning, the foolish Arthur falls for Beryl, a conductress who likes athletic men, particularly those with a full head of hair. In desperation he buys boxes of wigs, which are eventually discovered by the family, who mock him as a result. He puts one on in order to impress Beryl but his head gets stuck in the bus doors and the wig falls off.

It's Boxing Day and Arthur's mother has come to stay, along with his sister Linda,who throws herself at all the men, including Jack. The two families go to the bus company's dance where Arthur warns Jack to keep away from Linda but is himself the object of desire for conductress Beryl, leading to Olive causing a scene. Later, as Blakey shows Arthur's mother around the depot, they catch Stan and Linda in a compromising position.